SABOTAGE!

I didn’t make my bed yesterday or even the day before that.  Last night I slept with my makeup on and ate 6 cookies in bed. The cookies were gluten free, somehow I told myself that because they were GF it was “okay” I woke up this morning with my eyes hazy and glued shut, I wore mascara yesterday. I never wear mascara.

Pounding headache from the sugar I’m sure as I stood over my coffee pot as my body was screaming “water please!”

Coffee ( not water) in hand I grabbed my journal. I looked at the blank pages and nothing….just nothing. I tossed my journal aside and just sat, quiet in my living room.

I don’t drink but I sure do feel hungover.

I thought maybe I should go wash my face, it’s a start right?  Maybe go rip the bedding off the bed and stuff it in the washing machine?

Honestly that all sounded like entirely too much effort.

So I sit, quiet, still. The teenager still sound asleep, it’s nearly noon.

It’s been a long week.

Client’s in crisis, spring break, no real routine and I broke a promise to myself this week too.

SABOTAGE!

That’s it! I felt like that word was waiting right at my front door banging forcefully to come in and I opened the door completely unaware and welcomed it into my home.

It took me many years to figure out I'm a list women, I thrive with structure and a schedule. I even schedule 10 minute breaks throughout my day and feel satisfied when I check them off.

I need check marks every day.

It wasn’t always like this. There were many years my lifestyle was pretty chaotic.

Once I changed the way I run my own life and started sticking to a routine my whole nervous system seemed to settle down and I was finally able to handle things that came up with ease.

Sabotage is actually a trauma response.  I know this, from my own therapy in healing from trauma and from my training as a post separation abuse coach.

I am the product of  all my previous experiences, for better or worse.

Self-sabotaging behavior is rooted in unhealthy core beliefs about ourselves and faulty narratives we tell ourselves.

I know it’s confusing, but  there is  a valid reason behind my self-sabotaging behavior and understanding those reasons was the key to making changes

It's been three hours of quiet.  My fitbit obnoxiously zapping my wrist to move.

I grabbed my journal and decided to once again write out my core values.  My mission statement for my life, who the F I am!

I feel better now.

I'm going to grab that water, take some advil, wash my face and most importantly forgive myself for the past couple of days.

It’s okay to dip down low sometimes, just don’t stay there!

Love And Light my friends.

You are not alone!