Why Don’t You Leave?
WHY DIDN’T SHE LEAVE? WHY DID SHE GO BACK?
WHAT’S GOING THROUGH THE MINDS OF ABUSE VICTIMS.
There were several times throughout Holly and Dan’s marriage where she left with Maddison to stay at a family member or friend’s house. Usually after a big fight when Dan was raging. Dan’s rage wasn’t (at this point) what you would imagine domestic abuse to be. Dan’s rage took the form of slamming doors, throwing plates, driving at very high speeds erratically with young Maddison in the car with the intent to frighten Holly, shouting demeaning words, name calling, bringing up sensitive topics from Holly’s past in a condemning way and disrupting Holly’s sleep purposely, keeping Holly sleep deprived. Dan also like to hide objects from Holly, to make her feel like she was in fact losing her mind as he would insist, SHE was crazy and unstable. If this sounds like some serious psychological abuse and war tactics used on POW’s, well that’s because it is.
Being married to and even after leaving a partner with Narcissistic, Anti-Social, or any other Cluster B personality disordered individual is like being assigned your very own terrorist.
So, why did she go back? Why didn’t she leave for good?
Well firstly Holly did finally leave for good, but it was after years of this type of abuse which eventually turned physical. Let’s dive right in on what was going through Holly’s mind when she did leave and frankly what does happen to many victims of narcissistic abuse when they do leave. Holly was a stay-at-home mom, already the cards were stacked against her.
14 Reasons Holly went back and what did happen to her once she left.
1. To the outside world Holly and Dan had the perfect marriage and family. Out of survival Holly had made sure this picture-perfect family image was upheld, Dan wouldn’t have it any other way, it benefited him with his family and his job security.
2. Holly was embarrassed, she was embarrassed that people would think SHE couldn’t keep the peace and of what her family and church would think of her as a wife. Remember, Holly did not come from a family that experienced divorce and her church family was important to her. The church had even insisted the couple attend marriage counseling with the message that divorce was immoral.
3. Holly had little to no support. Dan had made sure to isolate Holly from friends and family. Dan had even gone as far as rescheduling their joint couples therapy appointments causing her to miss appointments and eventually the counselor stopped scheduling them due to her inconsistency and no-shows.
4. Holly was a stay-at-home mom, she and Dan had both agreed that it would be best for Holly to not work outside the home and to focus primarily on raising sweet Maddison. Holly flourished in this role and thoroughly enjoyed motherhood. Holly and Maddison had a beautiful, natural bond, as mentioned before this was something Dan struggled with, he did not seem to have the capacity to bond with his child. Once even telling his in-laws that it was Holly’s job to raise Maddison until Maddison was older and more like an adult. With this role Holly was financially dependent on Dan for all her basic needs such as food, shelter, health care etc. A seemingly normal “contract” between two married people as we as a society praise, until the women decides to leave!
This bond was exploited heavily in court room battles. Something we have praised women for, being a “Momma Bear” is, in family court often used against them by bully lawyers crying “enmeshment and controlling helicopter mom.”
5. Holly had no bank account in her name. Dan controlled all the finances. A few times a year Holly would get a part time holiday job for “fun” money at the Gap or at a fitness center teaching fitness class. Most of her fun money was spent on childcare for Maddison. Dan refused to “babysit” his own child even on his time off from work. Every time Holly would leave Dan would cut off her access to the bank accounts and eventually Holly would come back so she could feed and provide for Maddison.
6. The car, the house and all the bills were also all in Dans name. Holly’s name was not even on the mortgage or title to her car. All these things Dan would dangle over Hollys head if she even thought about leaving. Taxes were also a form of abuse and contention once Holly left. Post separation Dan forced Holly to sign a fraudulent tax document.
7. Since Holly had been out of the workforce for so long, she felt insecure finding a good job that could provide for her and Madison and still allow her to be active in her young daughter’s care and upbringing. The idea of being a single mom with the responsibilities of being the sole provider was overwhelming to Holly. Dan had also managed to purposely meddle in Holly’s previous jobs disapproving so much of Hollys co-workers or bosses that he had managed to get her fired from her “fun money” jobs. Dan had also succeeded in smearing her name and reputation to anyone that Holly mentioned wanting to work for.
8. The little research Holly had done about custody plans and from the viewpoint of her few friends that had been divorced the idea of sharing equal time 50/50 custody scared Holly. Not because she was greedy or wanted to take away Maddison from Dan out of spite but because somewhere in her gut, she felt that Dan was not capable of attending to Maddison’s developmental and basic needs. She worried that Dan would hurt Maddison and neglect their child. As it turns out years later Holly’s gut feeling wasn’t wrong, there is actual science that shows 50/50 custody of a child where one parent exhibits high patterns of Cluster B personality disorder is harmful to the child and that the Cluster B personality disordered person is in fact not capable of meeting the child’s needs. This unfortunately became a harsh reality for Holly and Maddison for years post separation.
9. Holly, like many naive victims of abuse, didn’t understand family law at all. When she finally was separated from Dan, he would email her and intimidate her slandering her own lawyer’s name, Holly would get scared and fire her lawyer. Holly thought that the courts would listen to her concerns and genuine worry about Maddison is Dans care. That’s a huge mistake we see time and time again in family court. There is absolutely no room for your emotional pleas in court, in fact often times this backfires on protective parents. As a very empathetic, kind loving person Holly really struggled with accepting this as truth, and it really did have a negative impact on the final custody settlement.
10. I could probably lump this into number 9 but feel like it holds more weight alone. Holly was intimidated by her own lawyer, she felt unheard, misunderstood and even questioned if her own lawyer was working with Dans(he was but that’s a story for another day) Holly’s lawyer was one of the supposed “Big Dogs” in town his retainer and fees were sky high, this man, her very own lawyer acted uncivil, discourteous and flippant. He never once explained the law and rules to Holly and would pressure her to sign motions of agreement that Holly didn’t understand. At the time she didn’t even know that she should be questioning her lawyer and his practices, she was like most victims, in a brain fog barely able to get her wobbly feet under her. This lawyer clearly does not know how to work with abuse survivors, or he just doesn’t care. (Years later Holly was not surprised to find out this lawyer was in HOT water from embezzling money from the city and his own firm.)
Holly spent more time talking to her lawyer’s assistant, a very sweet almost grandmotherly legal aid. Thank goodness for that sweet, sweet lady.
11. As most victims of abuse are, Holly was afraid Dan’s odd abusive behavior would escalate. It did, it almost always does. Dan hired for the lack of better description “goons” to set up surveillance on Holly after they separated. Video and listening devices were set up all around her little apartment, Holly actually caught these men on Christmas afternoon switching out their equipment. Dan had also hired people to drive Holly off the road on several occasions. This happens more than anyone, any “normal” person could imagine. Again, we are dealing with a domestic terrorist here.
12. Protective parents are afraid to leave because they are afraid the abuser will harm the children. They do, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically, and often times the abuser will employ their own sick family members to do the same.
13. Narcissists cut off all financial support. The second Dan and Holly separated he locked her out of all banks, credit cards and cash, as he had done when she would leave for short periods of time. Dan spent nearly a decade paying no child support while also neglecting Maddison’s needs while under his care. Not paying for extra-curricular activities, not clothing the child properly, and withholding food from the child all happened post separation. Holly spent her free time attending school lunches bringing their child food to take home when Maddison had to stay at her fathers’ house.
14. Even with all the forementioned reasons victims are afraid to leave. They are very concerned about how a divorce and custody battle will affect the children. Even with all the facts backed by science that children are not safe with a cluster B personality disordered parent, on top of knowing that a child witnessing abuse is a huge risk for that child to not thrive into adulthood or even worse become “un-alived”, victims eventually realize that the system meant to protect them is not on their side, it’s an ugly reality at the root of this is corruption and collusion, the underbelly of family court.
If you or someone you know needs help navigating this stressful time in their(your) life, please reach out. I will come along side any healthy parent to help them plan to leave an abusive relationship or meet anyone that’s in the thick of a custody battle that seems to have run off its tracks. I have been where you are, and with empathy, acceptance and knowledge of family court I will gladly be your guide and cheerleader through your process.
