Why Do Toxic Parents Block Therapy?

Why Do Toxic Parents Block Their Children From Receiving Therapy Or Counseling?

Let’s first call this what it is, abuse. A child’s right to receive mental health care should be just that, their right, right? Unfortunately when one parent is high conflict (Custer B personality disordered, diagnosed or suspected) they will almost always deny the child this right, intentionally turning this much needed care for the child into a chaotic battle waged on the healthy parent.

Why? We can look at this two ways(and I know there's many many more if we really want to do a deep dive)

1. Narcissistic or high conflict parents view their children as an extension of themselves. If something is “wrong” with their child, this is a huge blow to their ego. The HCP truly does not believe there is anything wrong with them, they have zero compassion and are not able to recognize that their way of thinking and behavior patterns are not healthy. They apply this rigid way of thinking to their children. HCPs are highly defensive and lack self-awareness and empathy for other people, including their children.

To the HCP their children must behave, act, and think just like them, oftentimes this belief system the narcissist holds onto so tightly becomes extremely emotionally abusive to their child and the mere idea of therapy brought up by the child or healthy parent sends them into rage and panic.

2. A well-trained child therapist is an HCPs worst nightmare. High conflict parents are afraid of being exposed. They are afraid that the children have and do see behind their mask and are going to spill the beans so to speak on Dad or Moms abusive behavior behind closed doors. The chaos and drama oftentimes increasing in the HCP’s home can take place in the form of physical, emotional, and psychological warfare. The idea of this abuse being exposed to a HCP is again an ego injury and one that they will go to great lengths to hide. Often times the HCP will recruit family members, clergy members, and even court professionals to do their dirty work and convince the child, the healthy parent and even the courts that the child is a liar, overly dramatic, or just in a weird phase, more and more we see the HCP accusing the healthy parent of manipulating the child into thinking they need therapy and that their mental health isn’t really that important. This is classic gaslighting and to a child that needs therapy and has even requested mental health support this denial of mental health support can have a long lasting negative effect well into adulthood. (ACE scores = Adverse Childhood Experiences.)

What’s even scarier is that often the HCP is so convincing to the outside world that their lies are often believed by the very people that are meant to be serving the child’s best interest. (Guardian ad litems, Minors Counsel, ill-equipped therapist’s etc.)

The Case of Holly, Maddison, and Dan

Holly is a protective parent divorced for quite some time from Dan, they share one child together, Maddison age 12 at the time of this event. Holly suspects Dan is undiagnosed NPD and or ASPD.

For the past 8 years Holly and Dan have had 50/50 custody of Maddison. They have equal legal rights to Maddison, but Dan has final decision making.

Holly has been growing more and more worried about how Maddison has been acting, depressed, anxious and jumpy. Maddison regularly expresses her desire to not go to Dans house anymore and that things between Dan and his new wife have been scary. Maddison has shared with Holly that she doesn’t feel safe leaving her room at Dans house due to her father and step-mother getting into verbal and physical fights. Holly feeling at a loss on how to help Maddison navigate these scary situations at Dads house without overstepping each parents decision making decides to send Dan an email addressing the idea of counseling for their daughter carefully. She drafts the following email and sends it to Dan.

“Hi Dan, I hope you are well. Recently I’ve noticed Maddison has been exhibiting some behaviors I’m concerned about. She seems anxious, distracted and maybe even a little depressed. I think that we should maybe look into counseling for Maddison, she might feel more comfortable expressing herself to a therapist than us right now, especially given her age. I’ve researched 3 separate child therapists in the area that I think would be a good fit. Please let me know what you think and I can make an appointment for Maddison to meet with one of your choosing. Thanks- Holly”

So, what happened? Well, Dan never ever replied to Holly ever. Holly had read receipts on her email and it showed Dan had read this email 76 times! Yes, that’s correct, you can’t make this s**t up! (Later on down the road Dan would claim to have never ever even received most of Holly’s emails concerning their daughter, once he even read an email over 300x but still in court professed he had never received said emails from Holly! Total insanity!

What happened to Maddison? Maddison’s mental health continued to deteriorate to the point where Holly found google searches on Madison’s phone of *ways to kill herself, *how to tie a nose* and how to poison herself. * She also found Maddison had been searching *How to run away *and *what happens if I call the police on my father*

Holly immediately reached out to a therapist and with Maddison’s permission, and relief Maddison began Zoom sessions with her new therapist. Holly again emailed Dan and let him know that their child had begun therapy. Dan never replied. He only read that email 9x.

Flash Forward

Now in family court, filing a 615-child custody modification upon Maddison’s therapist reaching out to Holly and letting her know that they feared for this child’s wellbeing at dads and recommending that Maddison have limited time at Dads house, Dans lawyer launched into an attack on Mom, claiming she had manipulated the child, and the therapist and that Dan had never even been notified of counseling! This was a quick and fast hearing, Holly didn’t even have time to present her evidence that she HAD consulted with Dad but never heard back. The unsuspecting therapist was raked over the coals and thrown out immediately. Maddison’s mental health safety was ripped away from her in 10 minutes. Dad was ordered to find a new therapist for Maddison in 10 days, he didn’t.. It took over 2.5 months for a guardian ad litem to force dad to get a counselor. Holly left court that day defeated and frazzled with Dans douche lawyers’ words ringing in her head “This mother shouldn’t even be allowed near her child!!!” More on that in future blogs.

We’re going to get to know Holly and Maddison and even Dan in the weeks to come.

What I do want you to know now is that Holly and Maddison are doing well! They are thriving despite the post separation abuse and Domestic Abuse by Proxy committed by Dan and his flying monkeys.

So what can we do?

As touched upon above a HCP worst nightmare is a good child therapist. This is true. But a healthy parent’s worst nightmare is an ill-equipped uninformed child therapist.

Vet your child’s therapist very well and ask specific questions about how they communicate with parents, dealing with a “High Conflict” divorce or custody battle. Have your attorney advocate for your child’s mental health to the courts, it can be seen as medical neglect if the child’s mental health needs aren’t met. You can also have your attorney share that it is really hard for parents to coach a child in therapy if they have a proper trauma informed Cluster B personality aware therapist.

There are other things you can do to be proactive in getting your child into therapy too. Getting into a logical mindset in the midst of the storm is key!

Let's be clear here, High Conflict Divorce and Custody Battles are often Domestic Violence by a different name, it’s not just two people being jerks. In these serious cases it does not take two to tango.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more information as always reach out if you or a loved one needs help! You Can Do Hard Things!!

neverthelessconsulting@gmail.com

-A

#coparentingwithatoxicex #coparentingwithanarcissist #highconflictdivorce #coercivecontrol #MeTooFamilyCourt