Coercive Control

Recently I had the wonderful opportunity to become a trauma informed Coercive Control Coach, through the amazingly brilliant Dr. Cocchiola’s Coercive Control Coach Program.(you should go follow her now on social media)

I felt it imperative (as a High Conflict Divorce and Post Separation Abuse Coach)to learn more about this extremely insidious form of abuse, how it impacts protective parents and their children.

If you are a protective parent who has to “Co-Parent” with an abuser, firstly, I am so sorry. Secondly, I want you to know that you are not alone. There ae many of us that have been through the nightmare of a “high-conflict” divorce and custody battle with a Coercive Controller and have come out the other side with our children safe and sound.

I do, however, want to make it very clear that wherever you are in your divorce process and have children with a coercive controller, this is an uphill battle, one you shouldn’t have to walk alone.

Here’s a brief oversight of what Coercive Control is and how it can play out in an abusive relationship, a divorce and custody battle.

Victims and survivors of Coercive Control carry around an unbearable amount of shame and guilt especially when children ae involved. Your toxic abusive ex, narcissist, coercive controller has and will continue to abuse you post separation using many of the tactics below. If you are struggling with a tsunami of a High Conflict Divorce, Co-parenting with an abuser or in a custody battle with a person that only serves a personal agenda, please reach out, you are not alone, I see you, I hear you and I believe you!

Coercive Control and Children: Understanding the Harms and Seeking Solutions

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that involves the systematic manipulation, dominance, and intimidation of one person over another. While negotiations, compromises, and power imbalances exist in various relationships, coercive control goes beyond.

This blog brings attention to the alarming impact of coercive control on children and sheds light on the various ways children can be subjected to this insidious form of abuse.

1. Emotional Abuse (Degrading and Humiliating)

One of the most prevalent forms of coercive control affecting children is emotional abuse. Perpetrators may demean, belittle, or constantly criticize their children, eroding their self-esteem and self-worth over time. This chronic emotional abuse can lead to long-lasting psychological scars, hindering a child's development and social interactions.

2. Isolation :

Coercive control often involves isolating children from their friends, relatives, or broader support networks. Perpetrators may manipulate situations to create a dependence on themselves, ensuring that the child becomes heavily reliant on their authority and approval. By manipulating children, perpetrators maintain a tight grip, making it harder for the child to escape the abusive environment.

3. Monitoring and Surveillance:

Coercive controllers frequently employ tactics to monitor and track their children's activities, both online and offline. This can involve constantly checking emails, text messages, and social media accounts, infringing on a child's privacy and autonomy. This surveillance instills fear and inhibits the child's ability to seek help or confide in others about their situation.

4. Financial Control:

Children are also affected by coercive control through financial means. Perpetrators may limit access to essential resources, such as proper healthcare, education, or other basic needs. By controlling the family's finances, perpetrators further establish dominance and control over their children, leaving them vulnerable and helpless.

5. Manipulation and Gaslighting:

Coercive control often relies on manipulative tactics that distort a child's perception of reality. Perpetrators may engage in gaslighting, making the child doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and memories. This manipulation can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and an impaired ability to recognize the control and abuse they are experiencing.

Finding Solutions:

1. Raising Awareness:

Educating parents, caregivers, educators, and society at large about coercive control and its impact on children is crucial. Understanding the signs and effects of coercive control will help empower communities to recognize and address this issue promptly.

2. Supportive Interventions:

The provision of safe spaces, helplines, and support services is crucial for children experiencing coercive control. Educators, social workers, and mental health professionals can play a vital role in identifying and intervening in cases where children may be victims of coercive control.

3. Legal Measures:

Enacting and enforcing laws that criminalize coercive control can provide a clear framework within which this form of abuse can be addressed. Laws should take into account the specific needs of children, providing protection and necessary support.

4. Empowering Children:

Educating children about healthy relationships, establishing boundaries, and identifying abusive behaviors can empower them to recognize and protect themselves from coercive control. Teaching them how to seek help from trusted adults is essential for providing a support network.

Coercive control has devastating consequences not only for its immediate victims but also for children caught in its web. Recognizing the tactics used to control children is the first step toward addressing this issue effectively. By raising awareness, providing support, implementing legal measures, and empowering children, we can collectively work toward eliminating coercive control and creating a safer environment for all.